No One Talks About...

So I've been very open about my battle with Post Partum Depression.  No one really talks about it.  I never knew that I knew people who had experienced it because no one talks.  Know something else that no one talks about?  The guilt you feel over having Post Partum Depression.

Major guilt.  I mean, I had this when close friends were struggling to conceive their first and second children.  How could I feel this way when others so desperately wanted what I had??  Then when I began to open up about it, I felt like no one understood.  I was surrounded by people who would quit their job in a heartbeat to stay at home with their kids.  And I just didn't feel the same.  Did I not love Kara?  I adore her.  That wasn't it at all.

And now that I'm able to come off meds (thanks to Shakeology and my workouts) I am being faced with more guilt.  The thought of a second child makes me paralyzed with fear.  I was in a dark place after Kara.  Like dark.  I can't go back there.  I can't handle the guilt and sadness of no bonding with another baby.  And yet, I feel so bad because I know Jon wants more.  I have even had people jokingly say that I'm "being selfish" and that Kara will "grow up to resent me" for not giving her a playmate for life.  

So when you see my physical transformation please know that this isn't for vanity reasons.  I am truly trying to heal myself from the inside out.  Trying to make myself physically and mentally tougher.  Because most days I believe those things.  That I'm being selfish... And maybe I am.  I just know I'm not strong enough.... Yet.

Leap of Faith

Fear... it can be paralyzing.  It can keep your dreams just that... dreams.  I have a lot of dreams.  A lot.  I find I am often my own worst enemy.  I don't like to fail.  I don't like to realize I can't do something.   I'm not a quitter but I have also realized that fear sometimes makes me not be a 'starter' either.

Long before Kara was born, I was unhappy in my body.  I mean, long before.  I had tried several things to change this.  The gym.  Diets that were basically a step up from starvation.  Walking.  I considered taking shakes and things that were essentially poison (please check the ingredients of these quick fixes!).  But at no time did I throw myself 100% in.  I knew that being 100% in would require me to really invest my time and energy into this.  I knew that being 100% in would crush me if I failed.  And like I said... I don't do failure well.  So I skated the issue.  I stuck my pinky toe in the water, but never dove in.

So I can't tell you exactly why I took that leap last March... I can't exactly remember my train of thought.  Pushing the purchase button was surreal.  I knew it meant that I had just made myself very, very vulnerable to failure.  But what I quickly realized that I was already failing.  Not trying was the biggest type of failing I could ever put myself in.

This also applies to coaching.  When I signed up to coach in May of 2014, I had huge doubts.  Doubts are our biggest enemy.  Would I lose money for my family who can't afford a single dollar lost?  What would people think--I'm not at a healthy body weight?  Would I have enough time?  Would this be a waste of my already precious little free time?  Could I inspire people enough to even begin to pay this forward?

If you're considering taking your health back... or becoming a coach and giving yourself financial freedom, it all comes down to that leap of faith.  You can't afford to allow yourself to fail by not trying.

I will not quit. I will not let fear of failing stop me.  I will learn from the set backs and FAIL FORWARD <3

You're Changing More Than Just Yourself!

Think this healthy journey is only changing you?  Don't underestimate your influence over those around you.  You don't have to nag them or preach to them.  Honestly, doing those things may back fire.

By simply being a model they can follow is enough.  Being committed and focused on your own results, will often inspire those around you.

Example?  My hubby got up with me last year on the first day of my new beginning.  We woke up at 4:30 am and pushed play on Alpha Cardio.  I modified big time and he refused to.  It was too much on his knee and instead of modifying or pushing through, he tapped out.  He never got up with me again ;).

Fast forward to July of  last year.  I had lost about 20 pounds by then and he decided to take advantage of the Body Beast sale.  He ordered it and did a few workouts, stating he needed "a weight set and a weight bench". Why are guys soooo expensive???  We bought the weights.  The weight bench came later.

Jon just restarted Body Beast this month.  He initiated the restart on his own.  No nagging or questioning from me.  He has been going strong ever since.  Has he said I'm his inspiration?  No.... But I'm going to take some credit here people ;)

Another example?  My aunt.  She began PiYo and had amazing, quick results.  The group ended and everyone quieted down, so I didn't know she was still working out and eating right.  8 months later she is down 27 pounds and still going strong!  Am I the reason?  Maybe a little.  But her why is strong and I'm super proud of her!

You are changing more than just yourself.... Keep it up!

Does "That" Girl Ever Go Away.....

I am not writing this to be discouraging or as a way to elicit compliments.  I am writing this to let everyone know that regardless of where you are on your weight loss journey, we all struggle.  This isn't about struggling with food... or with lacking motivation to work out.  This struggle is about being nice to myself.

I have lost 37.5 pounds since last year.  I wish I wouldn't know to the 1/2 pound what the number is... but the fact is, I obsess over it.  I weigh myself upon waking, after peeing, after working out, in the middle of the night after peeing, after taking a poo (yes, it's my blog--it was inevitable that poo will come into play)  I try hard to not care.  I try hard to focus on the non-scale victories, but truth is, being overweight most of your life makes the scale VERY important.

I should be delighted.  My original goal was 150 pounds.  I currently weight 138.5 pounds (as of this morning at 5:44 am)  I have a hard time looking at "current" body photos and not being upset about what I see.  I only see progress when I compare it with my pictures from last March.  When does this go away?

I scrutinize every part.  My saggy belly... my stretch marks... the cellulite on my thighs... throw a bathing suit into that mix and I could just cry and eat an entire 9x13 pan of dark chocolate brownies (I may or may not have recently done this).

I read these sweet articles about remembering that your belly held and grew a baby.  I try to see Kara in those purplish-red marks that turn white when I get a tan... but the truth is... I want them gone.

So I guess my message is... don't look at someone and think that they have it all together.  I wish I did.  I am learning to take compliments more without turning around and criticizing myself.  I am learning to accept that the girl I used to be isn't who I am now... that I am in charge of how I talk to myself and about myself.  Hang in there... give yourself a little credit.... and little more love.

This Isn't About Me...

I can not put into words how it feels when someone I know starts a program and then tags me in a status like this:

This person was on the fence for MONTHS.  I totally get it.  The programs cost money.  There will be pain and sacrifices.  The time has to be right for YOU.  I'm so glad I am able to be a part of her journey!  I can't wait to see where this takes her.  I find myself more excited about the changes happening to other people than I am about my own victories these days.

I also got a message from a friend's hubby this week.  He has been doing T25 since December.  He did three weeks and took a break during the holidays.  He jumped back in and is finishing the program next week.  In 9 weeks, he has lost 30 pounds!  He told me he needs all new pants!  And I haven't seen him in a while but he posted a picture on Facebook yesterday and he looks 10 years younger--no lie.  10 years at least.

Being a coach has brought me happiness in ways I never expected when I signed up in May of last year.  I thought I'd help a few people, have fun doing it, lose weight along the way and make some extra money.  But when that first person messages you and says "Thank you" your whole world changes.  When you realize that by simply sharing your journey (struggles and all), you have helped someone.. it's very humbling.

So if you are like many others and are wanting to make a change but are on the fence, know that I get it.  If you show interest, I will get in touch with you.  If you say the time isn't right, I'll respect that.  But know that I will keep in touch.  I will not give up on you.  I know that you can do it and that your results will be just as amazing.

You are worth it.  You owe it to yourself, your kids, your spouse to feel better.

Why Am I Here?

I have always been overweight.  We often laugh at the story of four year old me needing to be pushed in a stroller because walking was too taxing on my heavy frame.  I would huff and puff after walking up two stairs.  

That's been me... I've been fighting this my entire life.

So why now?  Why did I chose to make this change in 2014?  I had my daughter in 2012.  In 2013, I was diagnosed with Post Partum Depression.  Having a baby turned my life upside down.  I was a super independent, do as I pleased, Type-A personality before Kara.  It was a total system shock and I didn't adjust well.  I didn't bond with Kara the way I felt a mom was supposed to.  I didn't handle things the way I thought a mom was supposed to.  I didn't bounce back into my old clothes the way I thought a mom was supposed to.  So ten months after having Kara, I landed myself on medications for depression.  I thought I had a thyroid disorder.  I thought my weight was due to this... I thought my energy level was due to this... the doctor looked me in the eye and said the weight would come off, but I would need to work for it.

I was angry.  I wanted the easy way out.  Give me a pill, correct an imbalance and I'll be on my merry way.  No.  

I was in denial for about 6 months after that appointment.  I hated being photographed.  I avoided pictures with my new little family because of the way I felt about myself.  

I finally decided that enough was enough after seeing some friends post their results with Focus T25.  An at home workout?  Would I be strong enough to follow through and get up and do it?  Would it really work?  Would it be money wasted?  I pondered this for a month until my husband said "just do it and stop talking about it"  I bought it and never looked back.  I didn't miss a workout my first ten weeks and lost 13 pounds and 15.5 inches.  I felt better.  I wanted everyone to know what I was doing.  I wanted others to feel and experience what I was experiencing.  

I became a coach before the end of my 9th week of T25.  I am excited to do something that my daughter can be proud of.  That she can benefit from.  I don't want her to grow up with a negative body image.  Not only have I lost weight, but I've found my "thing".  The one thing that is mine.  Moms know what I am talking about.  My workout is my thing.  Helping others is my outlet.  I am here.  I get it.  I understand.  I want to be your cheerleader.