Tuesday, March 31, 2015

No One Talks About...

So I've been very open about my battle with Post Partum Depression.  No one really talks about it.  I never knew that I knew people who had experienced it because no one talks.  Know something else that no one talks about?  The guilt you feel over having Post Partum Depression.

Major guilt.  I mean, I had this when close friends were struggling to conceive their first and second children.  How could I feel this way when others so desperately wanted what I had??  Then when I began to open up about it, I felt like no one understood.  I was surrounded by people who would quit their job in a heartbeat to stay at home with their kids.  And I just didn't feel the same.  Did I not love Kara?  I adore her.  That wasn't it at all.
And now that I'm able to come off meds (thanks to Shakeology and my workouts) I am being faced with more guilt.  The thought of a second child makes me paralyzed with fear.  I was in a dark place after Kara.  Like dark.  I can't go back there.  I can't handle the guilt and sadness of no bonding with another baby.  And yet, I feel so bad because I know Jon wants more.  I have even had people jokingly say that I'm "being selfish" and that Kara will "grow up to resent me" for not giving her a playmate for life.  
So when you see my physical transformation please know that this isn't for vanity reasons.  I am truly trying to heal myself from the inside out.  Trying to make myself physically and mentally tougher.  Because most days I believe those things.  That I'm being selfish... And maybe I am.  I just know I'm not strong enough.... Yet.

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