Getting My Routine Back...

Big life changes have occurred since my last entry.  Kara and I have been in our new home for about a month.  A month seems like enough time to adjust, but I still feel like I'm playing catch up.

My workouts took a back sear.  I wasn't really eating.  When the move was over, I wish I could say that it all fell back into place.  It didn't.

Fast food and sodas came back with a vengeance.  Workouts was sparse.  Sleep wasn't happening.  I went from 134 pounds to 141 in a month.  Three weeks ago, Beachbody sent me a free copy of P90x as a reward for consistency in my business.

It was like a sign.  "Do this!!". Well I began two weeks ago and have stuck with it.  60 minute workouts are brutal when you're used to 25-30 minutes.  The first week, barely any changes.  Why??  I hadn't cleaned up my nutrition.

This week I've been better. .but not perfect.  I know the results I want require better than I've been.  Good news??  You control each and every day.  Tomorrow is a new day for me to get this right!

Slow Cooker Creamy Mexican Chicken

Easy Slow-Cooked Creamy Mexican Chicken

Ingredients:
 4 small boneless, skinless chicken
breasts (may be frozen)
 15 oz. can black beans, drained
 7 oz. canned chopped green chilies
 1 cup frozen corn
 1 large onion, diced
 3 bell peppers, chopped
 15 oz. can diced tomatoes
 Salt and pepper, to taste
 2 tbsp. chili powder
 1/2 tbsp. onion powder
 1/2 tbsp. garlic powder
 1 tsp. paprika
 1 tsp. cumin
 1 red container plain Greek yogurt
 Fresh cilantro
Add chicken breasts to slow-cooker. Top with remaining ingredients, except for
Greek yogurt and fresh cilantro.
Cook on low for 8 hours, until chicken breasts begin to fall apart easily.
Remove chicken and shred. Add back to crockpot. Add Greek yogurt, cover and
continue to cook on low for 30 minutes. Stir well, top with fresh cilantro.
Serve with tortillas, or over quinoa or rice. Top with avocado or cheese with your
blue container!
(21 Day Fixers: This makes 6 servings, and each serving counts as 1 red, 1 green, 1/2
a purple, and 1 yellow. Count additional "yellows" for tortillas and/or rice and

Slow Cooker Clean Eating White Chicken Chili Recipe

Slow Cooker Clean Eating White Chicken Chili Recipe

Prep Time

30 mins

Cook time

6 hours

Total time

6 hours 30 mins

Author: My Natural Family

Recipe type: Clean Eating

Serves: 8

Ingredients

• 2.5 lbs Boneless Skinless Chicken Thighs
• 3 cans Great Northern Beans
• 2 cans(8 oz.) Diced Green Chilies
• 1 very large yellow Onion, diced​
• 1 T. Garlic, minced
• 2 t. Cumin
• 1 t. Chili Powder
• ¼ t. White Pepper
• 1 T. Coarse Real Salt
• 2 C. Chicken Broth
• 1 C. Coconut Milk
• ¼ C. Arrowroot Starch
• ½ C. Water
• ⅓ C. Cilantro, chopped

Instructions

1. Place the chicken thighs, beans, chilies, onion, garlic, cumin, chili powder, pepper, salt, chicken broth, and coconut milk in a crock pot. Cook on high for 5-6 hours, or until chicken is very tender.
2. Remove the chicken and place in a bowl. Lightly shred with a fork.
3. Place the arrowroot starch in a small bowl and slowly whisk in the ½ C. water to make a smooth, lump-free mixture. Stir the mixture into the chili in the crock pot.
4. Add the chicken back into the chili and stir to distribute. Let cook for another 30 minutes. Soup should thicken up.
5. Add the cilantro to the soup just before serving and check the seasonings, adding more salt or pepper if desired. If you want the soup to be a little thinner, add more chicken broth or coconut milk until desired consistency is achieved.
6. Top with a squeeze of lime juice.

Jerk Chicken and Pineapples

Grilled Jerk Shrimp and Pineapple Skewers

Prep Time: 10 minutesMarinate Time: 20 minutesCook Time: 10 minutes Total Time: 40 minutesServings: 4

ingredients

• 1 pound (20-25 or 16-20) shrimp, peeled and deveined
• 1/2 cup jerk marinade
• 2 slices pineapple, cut into 1/2 inch pieces

directions

1. Marinate the shrimp in the the half of the jerk marinade for at least 20 minutes and up to over night, skewer the shrimp and pineapple and grill over medium-high heat until cooked, about 2-3 minutes per side.

Jerk Marinade

Prep Time: 10 minutes Total Time: 10 minutesServings: 4

A quick and easy homemade jerk marinade!

ingredients

• 1+ scotch bonnet pepper
• 2 cloves garlic
• 1 tablespoon ginger, grated
• 2 green onions
• 1 tablespoon thyme, chopped
• 1 tablespoon allspice
• 3/4 teaspoon nutmeg
• 3/4 teaspoon cinnamon
• 1 teaspoon pepper
• 1 tablespoon brown sugar
• 1 tablespoon oil
• 2 tablespoons white vinegar
• 2 tablespoons soy sauce
• 1 tablespoon dark rum
• 1/2 orange, juice and zest
• 1 lime, juice and zest

directions

1. Puree everything in a food processor.

Tip: Scotch bonnet peppers can be a little hot so you may want to start by adding half a pepper, test the heat level and continue adding more until the marinade is as hot as you want.

Zesty Chicken and Brown Rice

Total Time: 1 hr. 10 min.
Prep Time: 15 min.
Cooking Time: 55 min.
Yield: 4 servings

Ingredients:
2 Tbsp. olive oil, divided use
1 cup dry brown rice
2 cups water
¼ tsp. sea salt
1 medium onion, chopped
1 medium green bell pepper, chopped
2 medium celery stalks, chopped
1 lb. raw chicken breasts, boneless, skinless, cut into 1-inch strips
2 cloves garlic, finely chopped
1 (14.5-oz.) can low-sodium diced tomatoes
½ cup all-natural chili sauce
1 Tbsp. chopped fresh basil (or 1 tsp. dried basil)
1 Tbsp. chopped fresh parsley (or 1 tsp. dried parsley)
¼ tsp. crushed red pepper

Preparation:
1. Heat 1 Tbsp. oil in large saucepan over medium heat.
2. Add rice; cook, stirring frequently, for 1 to 2 minutes, or until rice starts to crackle.
3. Add water and salt. Bring to a boil, covered. Reduce heat; cook for about 30 to 35 minutes, or until rice is tender and fluffy.
4. While rice is cooking, heat remaining 1 Tbsp. oil in medium nonstick skillet over medium-high heat.
5. Add onion, bell pepper, and celery; cook, stirring frequently, for 2 to 3 minutes.
6. Add chicken and garlic; cook, stirring frequently, for 4 to 5 minutes, or until chicken is no longer pink.
7. Reduce heat to medium. Add tomatoes, chili sauce, basil, parsley, and red pepper. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat; gently boil, covered, for 10 minutes.
8. Divide rice between four serving plates; top evenly with chicken mixture.

Crockpot Stuffed Peppers

Crockpot Chicken Tacos

Baked Oatmeal Cups with Bananas

Baked Oatmeal Cups with Bananas
(Makes 12 servings, 1 cup each)

Total Time: 45 min.
Prep Time: 15 min.
Cooking Time: 30 min.

Ingredients:
Nonstick cooking spray
2 large eggs, lightly beaten
1 tsp. pure vanilla extract
2 large bananas, mashed
1 Tbsp. raw honey
2½ cups old-fashioned rolled oats
1 Tbsp. ground cinnamon
1½ tsp. baking powder
1½ cups unsweetened almond milk
1 cup fresh blueberries (or raspberries)

Preparation:
1. Preheat oven to 350° F.
2. Prepare twelve muffin cups by coating with spray. Set aside.
3. Combine eggs, extract, bananas, and honey in a large bowl; mix well. Set aside.
4. Combine oats, cinnamon, and baking powder in a medium bowl; mix well.
5. Add oat mixture to egg mixture; mix well.
6. Add almond milk; mix well.
7. Divide oat mixture evenly between prepared muffin cups.
8. Top evenly with blueberries.
9. Bake 26 to 30 minutes, or until golden brown and toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean.

Tip: Raisins, walnuts, pecans, sunflower seeds, pomegranate seeds, or dark chocolate chips can be substituted for blueberries.

Shrimp "Fried" Rice

1 cup frozen veggies (I used peas, carrots and corn because that is what I had)
3/4 cup cooked brown rice
3/4 cup shrimp
2 eggs
Powdered ginger
21 day fix all purpose seasoning
Cooking spray

This recipe uses one green container with carrots, celery, cauliflower, and onions (or whatever veggies you want), a yellow container of brown rice, a red container with 2 eggs, and another red container of shrimp, and the 21 Day Fix all purpose seasoning (I also added ginger powder). 

All I did was spray some cooking spray in a pan and stir fried all the veggies until they were tender. I then pushed them the side of the pan and sprayed a little more cooking oil on the side of the pan that is empty. I put the two eggs on that side and scrambled them up. Once they were cooked, I added the rice (already cooked), shrimp and seasonings and stirred everything together. This was so good and only used 3.5 containers!

Ooey Gooey "Gorilla" Bars

1/2 cup all natural peanut butter
1/2 cup honey
1 1/4 cup rolled oats
1/2 cup puffed millet (found mine on Amazon)
1/2 cup unsweetened shredded coconut
     **i used 1/4 cup mini chocolate chips too
1/4 cup sliced almonds
1 tbsp ground flax

In a large bowl, mix peanut butter and honey thoroughly.  Then add in other ingredients.  Mix until there are no dry parts.  Spread into a 9x9 baking dish, cover with a lid and refrigerate over night.

Makes 12 bars.  Mine were gooey and were best made into balls or eaten with a spoon.

Doing it for my kiddo

No one loves the pool on a hot day more than me.  I love a good tan.  I love the smell of chlorine.  I love it all.

I know tons of friends who have so many bathing suits, they require their own drawer in their house.  So why am I lucky to find ONE I only marginally hate?  Why am I the one who spends one entire day of vacation scouring the beach shops for a new tankini because I hate the way my current one makes me look?

Yes, I wasted an entire day of Kara's first beach trip looking for a new bathing suit.  I didn't spend it playing with my one year old.  No I spent it in almost tears, full of anxiety and disgust.  That was July 2013.  July of 2014 was better.  I spent the beach time on the beach playing.  I even ventured out in my sister's bikini top.... For one day... And that day I didn't leave my chair.

2015 will be different.  I've worked hard for my confidence.  I've changed my mindset.  I've decided Kara will have a mommy that is fun and displays confidence.  I bought a bikini and it's the only one that fits--all other bottoms fall off.  

To test my confidence, I ventured to the local public pool this week.  I felt fine!!  

My words to you... Make the pool and beach time fun!  Show your kids what means the most... Them!  Your kids think you are beautiful regardless.  And if you aren't there yet, I'm here to help.  I'm not looking for a bikini competition body (I like El Charros too much haha).  I still have a baby pooch.  I still have my tiger stripes.  But I've worked had to get here and my stomach WILL get a tan this year and Kara WILL see her mommy display confidence!

Chicken Gyros with homemade Tzatziki Sauce

To make the chicken you'll need:
1 lbs boneless, skinless chicken breasts--Thinly sliced
1/4 cup EVOO
1/4 cup lemon juice
3 tbsp plain Greek yogurt
1 tbsp red wine vinegar
1/3 chopped red onion
2 cloves garlic, finely chopped
1 1/2 tsp dried oregano
1 tsp dried thyme
1/2 tsp coriander
pepper, to taste.

For serving, you'll need:
6-8 Greek pita flatbread
Tzatziki sauce (recipe following the directions)
Diced tomatoes
Diced red onions

Directions:
In a mixing bowl, whick together olive oil, lemon juice, Greek yogurt, red win vinegar, chopped red onion, garlic, oregano, thyme, coriander, and black pepper.  Place chicken in a gallon ziplock, pour marinade over the chicken, seal bag while pressing out excess air.  Place in the refridgerator for 2-4 hours.  Remove chicken for the last 30 minutes to marinate at room temperature.

Place on a large griddle or a large frying pan on medium heat.  Cook the chicken until it's cooked through (about 8-10 minutes, flipping with tongs)

To assembly gyros:
Layer chicken in a row along the center of the pita.  Top with tomatoes, onions and Tzatziki sauce.


*********************************************************
Tzatziki Sauce:
1 medium cucumber, peeled, seeded and chopped into chunks
1 cup plain Greek yogurt
1 clove garlc, finely minced
1 tbsp lemon juice
1 tbsp EVOO
1 tsp red wine vinegar
1 tbsp chopped fresh parsley
1 tbsp chopped fresh dill
black pepper to taste

Directions:
Place cucumbers over several layers of paper towels.  Squeeze some of the liquid from the cucumbers.  Place cucumbers in a food processor and pulse to chop to desired size.  Add in Greek yogurt, garlic, lemon juice, olive oil, red wine vinegar, parsley, and dill.  Pulse to blend.  Store in refrigerator in an air tight container for up to 3 days.

Clean Honey Mustard Dressing

This is soooo amazing!

Food Shaming.... Not Me!

One side effect of coaching I have come to discover is that I'm finding myself involved in more and more conversations about food.  At first it was conversations about my food and what I eat.  That's fair.  I kind of expected that.  But here lately, I've found myself smack-dab in the middle of other's explaining to ME why they are eating what and how they are eating....

I have to laugh... I mean, I am not an expert at all.  I also don't walk around judging people for what they put in their mouths.  Hear me when I say that.... I do NOT judge you for what you put into your mouth.  I enjoy my meals.  I eat yummy things.  Heck, I drink a chocolate shake every day for breakfast :)

Also hear me say, that if it makes you feel better to confess to me (yes, I get confessionals as well), then please do it.  But please know that I am not perfect.  The same foods you eat, I want to eat... and I do find them in my mouth sometimes.  

We are in this together.  I am not better than you.  You are not better than me.  And at the end of the day, don't feel bad about what you've eaten.  It happened.  You ate it.  Move on.  Don't stop your forward momentum because you had a Kit Kat (or 3) from the front office candy jar (See what I did there... I just confessed to you!)

Zesty Sriracha Shrimp and Quinoa

Ingredients:
*1 pounds shrimp, peeled and deveined
*1 cup quinoa
*1 1/2 cup water
*1 tsp pepper
*2 cloves garlic, finely minced
*1/2 cup low sodium soy sauce
*1/4 cup balsamic vinegar
*1 tsp Sriracha

Directions:
1.  In a medium bowl combine soy sauce, balsamic vinegar, pepper and Sriracha.  Stir until well blended.  Set aside.
2.  In a large pot, cook quinoa accoeding yo package directions.
3.  While quinoa is cooking, heat the sauce in a frying pan over medium heat.  Add shrimp to pan.  When the shrimp is cooked through and the sauce has reduced so it's thickened, add quinoa and stir until combined.

Look Back, Not Forward

Look back, not forward??  I'm sure that is the opposite of every thing you've ever been told.  But it's the one thing I'd tell myself if I could go back in time to last year.

This time last year I had lost about 8 pounds and 10 inches.  I'd just finished my 6th week of T25.  I was down a pants size and feeling great.  I walked into Target to get new shorts.  I took shorts in my new size into the dressing room.  Cute mint green shorts, size 11/12.  I put them on and the material wouldn't even touch.  Much less the button to the hole.  I immediately lost it.  Ugly tears.  I was angry... Beyond frustrated.  I wanted to quit.  Why keep going when it wasn't paying off?

Truth is... It was paying off.  The proof was in the progress pics I'd been taking.  The proof was in my energy level.  So why did this send me over the edge?  Easy.... It was the reminder of how far I still had to go.  It looked daunting back then.  It seemed hopeless.

I'm forever grateful that I didn't give up on myself.  I kept going.  I am thankful to have given myself the opportunity to have my next ugly cry.  It was in American Eagle in August of last year.  I went to try on jeggings.  I took in 10s and they were too big.  Cautiously I asked for an 8... Not wanting to get too excited.  They fit.  Cue the ugly cry... I was excited.  I was in disbelief.  It was happening.

When this journey seems to much, think about where you began.  Congratulate yourself on your accomplishments.  The journey is long... It's a marathon, not a sprint.  If you're in this for the right reasons, you will be rewarded.  Hang in there.  I know what it feels like.  I know it feels impossible.  But it IS possible.  I'm proof.

first 12 weeks of my journey

70% kitchen, 30% workout

The first 30 days of Insanity Max 30 are in the books.  I've tracked my Max Out times and pushed myself to surpass those times as the weeks went on.  I have almost doubled my Cardio Challenge time (which is a program goal) and I more than doubled my Friday Fight time.  The workouts were fun, yet challenging.  I love, love, love Shaun T so I knew this was a logical purchase for me.  

This brings me to the title of this post.  I gave 100% to the workouts.  I pushed myself farther and modified way less.  My results were good but my diet is holding me back.  There is no such thing as a bad workout.... But bad nutrition is very real.  And you can't undo a bad diet with great workouts.  

We have been cleaning up our diet.  Jon, Kara and I have found a lot of new recipes that we all enjoy.  They can be found under my recipes tab.  I haven't packed a sandwich for lunch since this began 30 days ago--which is HUGE for me.  I was a peanut butter and banana every day packer for years.  Since this began, I've been a spinach salad every day packer. 

So what am I doing wrong?  The occassional 2:00 pm run to the soda machine (I know, I know).  The handfuls of almonds while I'm making dinner.  The Dairy Queen run the night of the power outage. The BoJangles on Friday night because the first week back after Spring Break meant I "deserved" it.  Ugh... I deserve that?!?  What was I thinking!?

What I deserve is for my hard work at 4:45 am each morning to not be for nothing. What I deserve is to stick to the planned meals I've already got prepped.  What I deserve is not having to go through caffeine withdrawal the next day because I had to have a soda.  I deserve to be fighting disease, not feeding it.  Most importantly Kara deserves all of this.  If I can't be strong enough for myself, the next 30 I will be strong enough for her!

Results:

3 pounds lost in 30 days

3.25 inches

Another pant size down.

Almond Crusted Chicken

Almond Crusted Chicken


 Ingredients:

1lb bag of raw unsalted almonds
Egg Whites
Paprika
Garlic
Onion
Salt
Pepper
**This makes much more breading than I need, but I just bag it and refrigerate the rest until the next time I make it again.
Directions:
 
Almond Flour: Blend all ingredients except for egg whites in a food processor to taste (honestly just toss about a tablespoon each spice in and then just a dash of salt and pepper) until it is very fine and soft, almost flour like...It's ok if there are still bits of almond that aren't ground up all the way.  I actually had larger chunks in mine and it tasted really good!  I loved the texture!

Start with 6-8 raw chicken breast; trim off all of the fat and cut them into individual portion sizes. Place each breast between plastic wrap and pound until they are thin. Then, I dredge each piece of chx thru either an all egg white bath or sometimes i'll just use water. Shake off the excess egg white (or water) and then dip both sides of the chx breast in the almond flour/breading put on onto aluminum foil lined baking sheet and cook.

I like my chicken crispy on top so I bake it the following way: 325 degrees for 20 minutes. Half way through the baking process I pull the chx out and flip so the underside isn't soggy... then with about 4-5 minutes left I put the broiler on and let them get nice and golden brown on top!

Chicken Tacos

• 1 pound chicken breast--cubed       

               *cook and season with paprika, chili powder, garlic powder and cumin. I don't measure, I just shake

• Pico de Gallo
• Greek Yogurt
• Black Beans--cooked
• Wheat Wraps
• Quinoa--cook according to the package directions

After the chicken, black beans and quinoa are cooked, assemble your taco to your liking.

Salmon with a Teryaki Marinade

Teriyaki Marinade
I stumbled upon this Teriyaki Marinade when I was looking for a clean eating alternative to commercial marinades.  This is super delicious!  I use it on salmon, but I'm sure you could use it on other things as well!

Ingredients:
1/4 cup low sodium soy sauce
1 1/2 tsp maple syrup
2 tsp finely chopped garlic
2 tsp lemon juice
1/2 tsp sesame oil
1/4 tsp sea salt
Combine all ingredients and place meat or fish in shallow baking dish and marinate for 20 minutes in refrigerator.  I turned the meat a few times to distribute the marinade evenly.

If you are going to make the salmon preheat your oven to 350 degrees and place Salmon in 9x9 baking dish that has been sprayed with clean cooking spray.  Then bake in oven for 20 minutes, baste with leftover sauce.  You can also grill the salmon as well!
This dish is great with brown rice and asparagus.

Clean Eating Raspberry Vinaigrette

CLEAN EATING RASPBERRY VINAIGRETTE

(Makes approximately 1 1/4 cups)

INGREDIENTS:

• 1/2 cup avocado oil (or other light flavored oil)
• 1 cup fresh raspberries
• 1/4 cup honey (or to taste)
• 1 teaspoon prepared dijon mustard
• 3 tablespoons apple cider vinegar (or to taste)
• Pinch of salt to taste

DIRECTIONS:

1. Blend all ingredients together with a blender until smooth. Store in an air-tight bottle or container for up to 2 weeks (give or take)

Nutritional Content:
(Data is for 1 tablespoon – based on a 20 tablespoon yield)

Calories: 65
Total Fat: 6 gm
Saturated Fats: 1 gm
Trans Fats: 0 gm
Cholesterol: 0 mg
Sodium: 3 mg
Carbohydrates: 4 gm
Dietary fiber: 0 gm
Sugars: 4 gm
Protein: 0 gm
Estimated Glycemic Load: 2

Read more: http://www.thegraciouspantry.com/clean-eating-raspberry-vinaigrette/#ixzz3WLlM3j9h 
© The Gracious Pantry. All rights reserved. 
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Ranch Dressing... 21 day Fix Approved

Ranch dressing can be loaded with fat and calories. Make your own homemade ranch with this healthier recipe.

Total Time: 10 min.
Prep Time: 10 min.
Cooking Time: None
Yield: 5 servings, about 2 Tbsp. each

Ingredients:
1/3 cup nonfat plain Greek yogurt
1/3 cup low-fat buttermilk
1 Tbsp. Ranch Seasoning Blend

Preparation:
1. Combine yogurt, buttermilk, and Seasoning Blend in a small bowl; mix well.

Clean Creamy Avocado Dressing

CLEAN EATING: Creamy Avocado Dressing

5

Prep Time: 5 minutes

Total Time: 5 minutes

Yield: 1-1/2 cups

Serving Size: 2 Tbsp

Recipe from The 21 Day Fix

Ingredients

• 1 medium avocado, seeded
• 1-1/2 cups nonfat plain Greek yogurt
• 4 Tbsp chopped herbs (I used cilantro, but tarragon, parsley, and mint work too)
• 3 Tbsp fresh lemon juice
• 1/4 tsp sea salt
• dash of ground pepper
• 1/3 cup extra-virgin olive oil

Instructions

1. Put avocado, yogurt, herbs, lemon juice, salt and pepper into a Vita-mix or blender. Cover and blend until smooth.
2. Continue blending avocado mixture and slowly add in oil until well blended an creamy.
3. Store in refrigerator, tightly covered, until ready to use. Can store up to one week.

Notes

Cal: 25 Fat: 3g Protein: 2g Carbs: 2g Fiber: 1g Sodium: 31mg

Weight Watchers Points+: 1

That's so 'high school'

I have been out of high school for 13 years now... holy crap.  That was hard to type :)  High school was a fun time, but also a time of a lot of tough stuff for me.  I know high school isn't a cake walk for most people, so I want to take some time to put it all out there so you can begin to understand where I started... and how I got here.

You guys see my highlight reel on a day to day basis.  If we've never met, don't hang out or work together, you only see my high points--the stuff I want you to see.  Heck, even if we are close, there are things I'm sure you don't know.

Some essentials needed to survive high school:  A best friend (like in the whole wide world), the 'right' clothes, play sports or be involved in the FFA/Drama/Band or a combination of those things, and THICK skin.

I had a best friend.  And I developed thick skin.  I had to.  My best friend since kindergarten wore all the right things, said all the right things and everyone adored her.  She was the 'hot' girl.  I was the funny girl.  I didn't live in the 'right' neighborhood or have the 'right' circle of friends.  I wanted desperately to be in the 'cool' crowd.... desperately.  To this day, I still think I'm the reason that kept her out of the cool crowd.  I was slightly overweight and had left softball in the past due to the politics that surrounded Little League softball (I didn't come from the 'right' family to make travel ball or anything like that--even though I know I had the skills).  My hair was naturally wavy which never did what I wanted it to do.  My humor saw me through.

I got to hear almost daily how pretty my best friend was.  Did I have friends?  Yes... most were the most awesome loving people I've ever met.  Others were those I wanted desperately to be friends with.  So much that the incessant chants of "Chewbacca" (because of my hair) were let go.

Chewbacca....

So why is this significant?  I was able to get by.  I got pretty decent grades and made it out relatively unscathed.  I ended up dating guys that went to other high schools because I wasn't in the 'in' crowd at mine.  I ended up pouring myself into my after school job, that ended up being a 40 hour job, while still in school.  I developed a work ethic like no other.  This focus got me to where I am today.

So fast forward to today.  The best friend since Kindergarten... well I haven't spoken to her in almost 9 years.  I can't tell you what she's doing or how she's doing.  The people who were my friends, real friend, in high school I try to keep in touch with, but it's getting tougher.  And that girl who was overweight with crazy hair?  Now gets herself up every morning at 4:30 to work out and then spends 30+ minutes flat ironing her hair.

I don't want apologies.

Please hear that.  I don't.

I don't want sympathy.

I'm simply here to show you that the things that you experience in life are there for a reason.  I am still a huge people pleaser.  Before I post anything on social media, the thought crosses my mind "What will people think?"  I still want so badly to impress those kids from high school who were so cool.  I want to wear the right things and say the right things....  But this past year has changed me.

I am no longer the girl who disguises who she is when she's around others.  It may take me a while to warm up... but once I'm warm, you get it all.  I work with some of the most amazing people I've ever met and at no point have I ever felt judged for being me.  I'm also more willing to share what I've been through, regardless of what others think.  Because I've had the fortune of knowing what it can mean to that ONE person who can relate.

I also want to be a model of strength and hard work for my daughter.    I had it modeled for me... and I sure as hell am going to model it for her.  I want her to have a healthy self-esteem, feed her body with knowledge and good food, and know that she is enough.  I want her to rely on her work ethic and sense of self to propel her through life.

...and, if she inherits my hair, maybe a good flat iron...

No One Talks About...

So I've been very open about my battle with Post Partum Depression.  No one really talks about it.  I never knew that I knew people who had experienced it because no one talks.  Know something else that no one talks about?  The guilt you feel over having Post Partum Depression.

Major guilt.  I mean, I had this when close friends were struggling to conceive their first and second children.  How could I feel this way when others so desperately wanted what I had??  Then when I began to open up about it, I felt like no one understood.  I was surrounded by people who would quit their job in a heartbeat to stay at home with their kids.  And I just didn't feel the same.  Did I not love Kara?  I adore her.  That wasn't it at all.

And now that I'm able to come off meds (thanks to Shakeology and my workouts) I am being faced with more guilt.  The thought of a second child makes me paralyzed with fear.  I was in a dark place after Kara.  Like dark.  I can't go back there.  I can't handle the guilt and sadness of no bonding with another baby.  And yet, I feel so bad because I know Jon wants more.  I have even had people jokingly say that I'm "being selfish" and that Kara will "grow up to resent me" for not giving her a playmate for life.  

So when you see my physical transformation please know that this isn't for vanity reasons.  I am truly trying to heal myself from the inside out.  Trying to make myself physically and mentally tougher.  Because most days I believe those things.  That I'm being selfish... And maybe I am.  I just know I'm not strong enough.... Yet.

Leap of Faith

Fear... it can be paralyzing.  It can keep your dreams just that... dreams.  I have a lot of dreams.  A lot.  I find I am often my own worst enemy.  I don't like to fail.  I don't like to realize I can't do something.   I'm not a quitter but I have also realized that fear sometimes makes me not be a 'starter' either.

Long before Kara was born, I was unhappy in my body.  I mean, long before.  I had tried several things to change this.  The gym.  Diets that were basically a step up from starvation.  Walking.  I considered taking shakes and things that were essentially poison (please check the ingredients of these quick fixes!).  But at no time did I throw myself 100% in.  I knew that being 100% in would require me to really invest my time and energy into this.  I knew that being 100% in would crush me if I failed.  And like I said... I don't do failure well.  So I skated the issue.  I stuck my pinky toe in the water, but never dove in.

So I can't tell you exactly why I took that leap last March... I can't exactly remember my train of thought.  Pushing the purchase button was surreal.  I knew it meant that I had just made myself very, very vulnerable to failure.  But what I quickly realized that I was already failing.  Not trying was the biggest type of failing I could ever put myself in.

This also applies to coaching.  When I signed up to coach in May of 2014, I had huge doubts.  Doubts are our biggest enemy.  Would I lose money for my family who can't afford a single dollar lost?  What would people think--I'm not at a healthy body weight?  Would I have enough time?  Would this be a waste of my already precious little free time?  Could I inspire people enough to even begin to pay this forward?

If you're considering taking your health back... or becoming a coach and giving yourself financial freedom, it all comes down to that leap of faith.  You can't afford to allow yourself to fail by not trying.

I will not quit. I will not let fear of failing stop me.  I will learn from the set backs and FAIL FORWARD <3

You're Changing More Than Just Yourself!

Think this healthy journey is only changing you?  Don't underestimate your influence over those around you.  You don't have to nag them or preach to them.  Honestly, doing those things may back fire.

By simply being a model they can follow is enough.  Being committed and focused on your own results, will often inspire those around you.

Example?  My hubby got up with me last year on the first day of my new beginning.  We woke up at 4:30 am and pushed play on Alpha Cardio.  I modified big time and he refused to.  It was too much on his knee and instead of modifying or pushing through, he tapped out.  He never got up with me again ;).

Fast forward to July of  last year.  I had lost about 20 pounds by then and he decided to take advantage of the Body Beast sale.  He ordered it and did a few workouts, stating he needed "a weight set and a weight bench". Why are guys soooo expensive???  We bought the weights.  The weight bench came later.

Jon just restarted Body Beast this month.  He initiated the restart on his own.  No nagging or questioning from me.  He has been going strong ever since.  Has he said I'm his inspiration?  No.... But I'm going to take some credit here people ;)

Another example?  My aunt.  She began PiYo and had amazing, quick results.  The group ended and everyone quieted down, so I didn't know she was still working out and eating right.  8 months later she is down 27 pounds and still going strong!  Am I the reason?  Maybe a little.  But her why is strong and I'm super proud of her!

You are changing more than just yourself.... Keep it up!

Does "That" Girl Ever Go Away.....

I am not writing this to be discouraging or as a way to elicit compliments.  I am writing this to let everyone know that regardless of where you are on your weight loss journey, we all struggle.  This isn't about struggling with food... or with lacking motivation to work out.  This struggle is about being nice to myself.

I have lost 37.5 pounds since last year.  I wish I wouldn't know to the 1/2 pound what the number is... but the fact is, I obsess over it.  I weigh myself upon waking, after peeing, after working out, in the middle of the night after peeing, after taking a poo (yes, it's my blog--it was inevitable that poo will come into play)  I try hard to not care.  I try hard to focus on the non-scale victories, but truth is, being overweight most of your life makes the scale VERY important.

I should be delighted.  My original goal was 150 pounds.  I currently weight 138.5 pounds (as of this morning at 5:44 am)  I have a hard time looking at "current" body photos and not being upset about what I see.  I only see progress when I compare it with my pictures from last March.  When does this go away?

I scrutinize every part.  My saggy belly... my stretch marks... the cellulite on my thighs... throw a bathing suit into that mix and I could just cry and eat an entire 9x13 pan of dark chocolate brownies (I may or may not have recently done this).

I read these sweet articles about remembering that your belly held and grew a baby.  I try to see Kara in those purplish-red marks that turn white when I get a tan... but the truth is... I want them gone.

So I guess my message is... don't look at someone and think that they have it all together.  I wish I did.  I am learning to take compliments more without turning around and criticizing myself.  I am learning to accept that the girl I used to be isn't who I am now... that I am in charge of how I talk to myself and about myself.  Hang in there... give yourself a little credit.... and little more love.

This Isn't About Me...

I can not put into words how it feels when someone I know starts a program and then tags me in a status like this:

This person was on the fence for MONTHS.  I totally get it.  The programs cost money.  There will be pain and sacrifices.  The time has to be right for YOU.  I'm so glad I am able to be a part of her journey!  I can't wait to see where this takes her.  I find myself more excited about the changes happening to other people than I am about my own victories these days.

I also got a message from a friend's hubby this week.  He has been doing T25 since December.  He did three weeks and took a break during the holidays.  He jumped back in and is finishing the program next week.  In 9 weeks, he has lost 30 pounds!  He told me he needs all new pants!  And I haven't seen him in a while but he posted a picture on Facebook yesterday and he looks 10 years younger--no lie.  10 years at least.

Being a coach has brought me happiness in ways I never expected when I signed up in May of last year.  I thought I'd help a few people, have fun doing it, lose weight along the way and make some extra money.  But when that first person messages you and says "Thank you" your whole world changes.  When you realize that by simply sharing your journey (struggles and all), you have helped someone.. it's very humbling.

So if you are like many others and are wanting to make a change but are on the fence, know that I get it.  If you show interest, I will get in touch with you.  If you say the time isn't right, I'll respect that.  But know that I will keep in touch.  I will not give up on you.  I know that you can do it and that your results will be just as amazing.

You are worth it.  You owe it to yourself, your kids, your spouse to feel better.